Rambles of New Beginnings

It's hard writing down your thoughts. Especially for someone like me, my brain goes 100 miles a minute and I bounce from topic to topic; I can't even keep up with myself most of the time.

So just when I thought everything was going to get worse-life throws a curveball, and suddenly it all seems like it's going to be fine again. I love my new job, it's everything I've wanted. I have my own desk, I get left alone to do my work, the girls are nice, my bosses are hilarious, it's a super chill place. I got very lucky when I got assigned to this department. I'm very happy there, which is a first; I haven't been excited for work in a very long time.

With this happiness, though, I'm worried about completely giving in though. The fear that I will screw something up and ruin it all. The nervousness that it won't last. I just know that it's going to be taken from me. But do I? Do I know that for sure? No. And honestly, it more than likely won't go away. But there's always this negativity that pops out of nowhere. That nagging that tells you that you're not good enough for happiness, that you don't deserve it. I know I'm allowed to be happy and full of life like I used to be, I know that. I think in a way we hold onto those negative thoughts because in a way, it's safe. It's a safe zone to listen to the negativity, that way if something does happen, we won't be surprised by it. We can say 'yep, I knew it. I saw it coming', so it hurts less, because we prepared for it.

With all of that though, I still have this new-found determination to not let the negatives take over me, my life, my direction. To do more. See more. Be more. Try new things, go to new places, be myself again. To do what I want to do, and forget those who don't understand it.

I'm going to New York in June. Just for fun, and just for like a day and a half total. I'm going to see "She Loves Me", do a tiny bit of sightseeing maybe. Going for that short of time probably makes me batcrap crazy, but I don't care. I want to go, so I'm going. I'm nervous because I'll be alone, but I'm also excited. Trying something new is scary, but New York is the city of dreams, right? Of magic?Anything could happen.

And I do, I believe in magic. I believe that things can happen in the blink of an eye, for whatever reason. Serendipity. I had forgotten that. I forgot what it was like to just live. And I'm going t go back to that. I'm going to open my mind, and open my heart. Let God in for once, instead of fighting against Him. I have so many new choices and adventures ahead of me. It's time that I just soak up life, and have a little (a lot) of faith that the magic will take over.